Hi what’s your sign? … No Longer works.
In truth, one must wonder if that line ever really worked. Now though with the new zodiac signs it will be even more confusing. Yes it’s true, because of the earth’s shifting axis, (not just our morals), it appears our signs have shifted.
I can’t even pronounce Ophiuchus when I’m sober, how will I possibly pronounce it in a loud nightclub when I’m three-parts wasted?
To solve this dilemma I have decided to go with my own format, which I’m sure will catch on like wildfire in the clubs. In all honesty we know all these signs, everyone does, and it is government approved so what could be better? (See ordering details below and order before the spring solstice in Uzbekistan and enter to win your free avocado blender.)
By using these HARS or ‘Highways Approved Road Signs’ provided in a tasteful lacquered playing card deck, you will soon be tripping the night fantastic. There won’t be any false starts or GPS quirks to cause this sign -EXPECT DELAYS to pop up.
Upon entering the club with its thumping music, don’t linger, approach the first likely attractive member and flip out your deck. Here’s the technique.
Your eyes meet and you go for a direct approach. You smile and play:
‘CAUTION WILDLIFE AHEAD’
She smiles oddly and plays ‘DUAL CARRIAGEWAY.’
Ok, so you weren’t ready for that and need a way out. This isn’t Monopoly and there is no ‘Get Out of Jail Free Card.’ However, safety features are built in. You play ‘REST STOP’ and quickly shift to another section of the club. A subtler approach may be better and upon eye contact with a possible pick up you play, ‘GIVE WAY.’
A smile, she plays ‘MERGE.’
Not wanting to rush your ‘WILDLIFE’ card you choose a sophisticated route and deftly slip ‘BRIDGE CROSSING’ along the bar.
She plays her ‘YIELD’ card.
Ah, the game is afoot! Confidence builds and you go for ‘SOFT SHOULDER.’
She shudders slightly and plays ‘CAUTION’. You are okay with that but then she plays, ‘CHIPS IN ROAD.’
Oh, oh. This could be strike two. Attitudes and issues can lead to a ‘BUMPY ROAD’ card or ‘SLIPPERY WHEN WET’ and that is not what you are up for tonight, but you don’t want to give up just yet.
You play ‘LOAD RESTRICTIONS’ and then tentatively play, ‘PROCEED WITH CAUTION.’
She glances around and plays ‘SLOW,’ then lays ‘HAZARDOUS GOODS ROUTE’ very quickly which means she is either honest or a psycopath. She suddenly plays ‘KEEP DISTANCE.’
You throw caution to the wind and flip ‘HIDDEN APPROACH.’
She eyes you oddly and flips ‘NO EXIT.’ Alarm bells start to ring, visions of the movie Fatal Attraction play in your head.
Then she eagerly plays ‘NO THROUGH ROAD’ and ‘CHAINS REQUIRED.’
This may be the end of the night. You play ‘U TURN.’
She lands a ‘NO U TURN.’
Then a hulking ’OVER-SIZED LOAD’ pulls up and sneers at you. He flips ‘DANGER.’
You play your ‘YIELD’ card.
He plays ‘DEAD END.’
You decide valor to be the better result of the evening and play ‘GO.’
She plays ‘STOP.’
He plays ‘RESUME SPEED.’
You don’t want to be caught in the middle of this and play ‘SERVICES’. You slip away from their company and search for anyone carrying a ‘SINGLE LANE ONLY’ card.
You spot a card. She waves it at you and follows with a ‘TOURIST STOP AHEAD.’
Oh dear. You realize that though she is attractive, she is still at a monopoly level and is looking to pick up 200$ and pass go. Or even worse it may be a ‘TOLL ROAD’. Respectfully you decline and play ‘BRIDGE OUT’. You slip out of the club and glance at the bouncer. He can see the stress in your eyes and immediately flips out ‘NATURE PRESERVE AHEAD.’
You nod and show him ‘PROCEED WITH CAUTION’. You are about to enter when a figure in a long coat approaches and flashes a card (Thankfully that’s all). ‘PLAYGROUND ZONE.’
No. Not tonight. The cards are not falling your way. You gaze at your own ‘RETURN LANE’ card.
This is just one of the many safety features built into these handy sign decks. So much better than air bags. These HARS decks will keep you on track through your club scene the way ACE of BASE did with their hit lyrics
‘I saw the sign and it opened up my life and I am happy again…’
ORDER your limited offer of ***HARS CLUB ROAD SIGNS *** Today!!
Available in British, European and American versions, with speed limits in place for those pesky German drivers.
Get yours today for only $149… one round of monopoly with change.