I draw the line at toes!

Posted: November 2, 2010 in don't fight it
Tags: , , , , ,


DNA plays some nasty tricks.  Or at least it has in my family’s lower parts… not there – further down.  Not the decrepit knees either that is a completely different blog.  No this is a far more embarrassing protruding abomination.  In fact ten abominations.

Our toes! I mean what is the point of ten basically irrelevant digits.  Why weren’t they webbed so we could swim like Michael Phelps or in a solid block so we could kick like Jackie Chan and send numerous villains into piles of garbage cans.

My family seems blessed with a variety of gnarled rejects;

There’s 40 watt (the shape),  The big toe on one foot (of course only one) has a bulbous end that would make a boxer smile.  It resembles the end of a spoon and swooshes out into every conceivable chair leg, table strut or door jam in an attempt to send the owner in a tirade of hopping explicatives.  There are no so angry as a big toe STUBBED

Snakey is slender and ever probing.  Rarely gets rammed into anything as it protrudes so far past the big toe that it can duck any incoming posts.  Said to be good luck if it extends past the big toe – that’s a load of crap.  It merely extends out in front testing the grounds for its four mates, but is inevitably stepped on by some callous dolt on a bus.

The peace sign (thankfully no too many of these it the hood but), has the second and third toes out past the big toe.  Spread wide and blazing their own trail these two don’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of the foot and boldly go out to terrify every shoe store clerk in the city.

Little piggy – Bullocks!  The smallest toe has a suicidal tendency to clip, slam, slice and impale itself on each and every corner in an effort to protest the fact it feels neglected, forgotten and all too often rammed into the unforgiving leather podiatry inspired-corsets we call pumps.

There are bunions … (boot onions?) that give you the ‘question mark’ foot as everything appears blown to one side or the other. Or skunions (as I call mine) which are upwardly mobile bunions resulting from broken metatarsals that swell up not out.  This results in a sandal fitting one foot while the broken foot doesn’t slide in leaving you with a platypus beak-like foot.  Charming on the ballroom dance floor.

“Oi Duck feet get back to the pond!”  I shrivel away.

Had I been blessed with normal feet I’d be topping Dancing with the stars as it is my feet are constantly bloodied and prancing with scars.

If only we had this kind of dexterity.  Let your feet be humbled by these You tube wonders.

I’m toetally amazed.  Flat foot out!



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