Gotcha Sucker

Posted: December 21, 2010 in don't fight it
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

It went to my head.  I hit the 76 kilo mark meaning I had lost 9.675 lbs and still had four days until Christmas so my twelve pounds of Christmas challenge looked as if it might work.  In celebration of this achievement I thought an inexpensive toast with a splash of cabernet would be in order.

I casually walked through the drifting snowflakes and as they meandered through the curtain of gold cast by the street lights, it put me in a playful mood.  Who cannot resist trying to catch a cascading snowflake on your tongue?  It was almost ten p.m. and I felt no embarrassment at all as I wandered through the streets with my tongue protruding like the prow of a ship.

The youthful mist was still in my eyes as I paid for my nectar and impulse got the better of me.  I mean I had lost more than four and a half kilos and the fountain of youth was lying fresh on my winterized tongue, so why not?

I bought a cheap inconspicuous lollipop.  ( I hear you sneer and see your grunt of disdain and raise you a cocky 4.5 kilos… so there.)  Impulse, youthfulness were raging as I tore at the insanely tight plastic wrapping.  I should have twigged at the this point.  Any adult-proof membrane on candy- IS THERE FOR A REASON!

Finally I popped the treat into my mouth and headed out into the snow for the walk home, red wine in hand.  The lolly was vanilla with pistachios on the outside – lovely, but this is Denmark.  Was this folly?  How could I say that in the land of sausage, pastry and aquavit you may ask.  Well, there is one more peculiarity about Denmark…

The lolly went soft and in my brazen confidence I bit into the little white ball.

Immediately I wretched forward.  I have eaten oddities all from over the world.  From sea slugs and urchin to grasshoppers, from haggis to tripe and thymus glands. I can battle and in fact enjoy all those delicacies but I was now prostrate in the snow from a… LOLLIPOP!!

In my hubris I’d forgotten one of the lurking surprises of visitors to this land.  LICORICE.

This is not any licorice.  Oh no, no, no.  I can enjoy my jujubes, jellybeans, licorice allsorts, licorice shakes and black ice cream.  BUT don’t mix with the Danes when it comes to licorice.  In Denmark it is completely unsalted, unadulterated hard core.  Licorice here slaps your taste buds like New York cheesecake swells the hips.

It shot through the roof of my mouth, piercing my nostrils leaving tears streaming from my eyes.  It was a white lollipop for Godsake! .  I gagged on the street, hacked up the black sludge and spewed it across the virgin snow.

Fortunately it was only six blocks back to the apartment where I gargled and rid myself of the offending poison.  After the pain of the lollipop I of course needed the stabilizing of my system and as the cork popped so too did the 4.5 kilos.  Geez.

My excuses are already made.  I blame the lollipop and the snow … and… and the rest of it.

Here we are closer to Christmas;

The Twelve pounds of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love took from me,

every thing that was Hershey

On the second day of Christmas my true love took from me

two vanilla shakes

On the third day of Christmas my true love took from me

three mars bars

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love took from me

four glasses merlot

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love took from me

Five snickers bars

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love took from me

six candied apples

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love took from me

seven slices cheesecake

On the eigth day of Christmas my true love took from me

eight pieces pizza

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love took from me

nine tangy tartlets

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love took from me

jars of jujubes



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