Getting the best tour in Life

Posted: January 26, 2011 in don't fight it
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’m puzzled because I didn’t seem to get the same brochure at the life ‘Port of Life Entry’ as everyone else did… or at least I don’t think I did.

When we enter this world it is not as if we are at some random airport lounge or ferry terminal and there is a large array of colorful options stacked on a display rack so we can rummage through for a ‘life destination tour’ that we like.  We get the landing in the destination we are dealt, without consultation.  Is this Kurt Vonnegut’s idea of hazard?

Wouldn’t it be so much better if we could choose the vacation/life plan that we like from a shelf of options before passing through the arrival gate?  I could imagine a shelf with hundreds of different tours on offer.

This was made brutally obvious when watching the various age groups all taking in the sunshine while strolling with my bubbly other.  The individuals on view were not from an epic Greek odyssey with a hero confronted by challenges and obstacles thrusting forth, – it was just a day in the park.

From babies to seniors all seemed to be having issues with the tour brochure given at the birth departure/arrival gate.

The Dining and Drinks Tour – The baby had definitely enjoyed what was on offer during the tour, but things weren’t going down as expected and the whacking on the back brought up a spew of it across an offered shoulder.  It was very kind of the large ‘adult person’ to offer her angora sweater as the receptacle for the fluid.  Her own mother had taken to using a flannel towel on her shoulder (very rough on the cheek).

The teenager had also had a bellyful.  This was not the same formula that the baby had consumed but it was also sucked down in the hope it would appease the peers, swirled in the stomach and brought up on the park sidewalk along with a cheap chicken Korma from the all night take away. A flannel towel would have been a blessing.

The gray set was too concerned with focusing on keeping the muscles of the oesophagus working with little sips and nibbles to actually consume very much, a hanky was always nearby.

The Walking Tour.  The baby rocked up and thumped back down – everyone was amused.  The baby rocked up again and nose dived – everyone laughed again. The baby was lifted up, balanced, then smiled at all around before thumping back down on the super absorbent ‘Huggies’ butt pad.  The crowd were again charmed and impressed beyond belief.

The teenager scuffed and shuffled like a wayward elephant. Toes and knees splayed for stability – it was the only way to keep the jeans up.  The crotch of the jeans was just below the knee and the waistline below the butt cheeks – impossible to get on a bicyle.  The absorbent butt pad was replaced by a Calvin Klien brand at 20$ a pop. Someone’s wallet is depressed.

The gray set incorporated both approaches with a steady dignified thoughtful shuffle and the senior ‘huggy’ just in case a toilet is more than a two-minute walk. The senior quite rightly doesn’t give a flying fart about other opinions.

The Speaking Tour

The baby had a full vocabulary of terminology that the big people had not yet acquired.  It is amazing, really, that after all their time on earth they still haven’t learned baby talk.  Google translate – HA!  It does seem that baby talk like Latin, is unfortunately a dying, usually forgotten language.

The teenager mumbles a new language spiced with hood and techno jargon leaving a trail of adulterated text, profanity and abbreviations in the minced sausage that was English, still he too is not understood.

The gray set warbles a bit as faculties fade and hearing falters, continuing conversations which have long since finished twenty minutes earlier.  The gifts within their dialogue are all too often ignored leaving them to rue how their wisdom is misunderstood.

So as far as the walking, talking, eating aspects of the tour pamphlet picked up at the departure gate goes, I don’t see much in the way of highlights.

I know we can’t go back… the whole ‘in touch with the inner child’ thing doesn’t reach back that far, surely.

The only opportunity is to take the Eastern route and go for the reincarnation option.  This will allow more time to browse and select a better tour before entry into the next Tour of Life.

Right, I have it figured out, I can make a better tour choice as long as I have enough time in the departure lounge, but you know the mothers they always want to rush you through.  I don’t get that.


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